I have a problem with my husband. We have been married for seven years. Since we first met, he has decided on every issue and I’ve felt quite uncomfortable about his behavior. After a while, he began to criticize my house chores and has tried to scold me after/when I couldn’t finish the 50 house chore items made by him. I was frightened. Some weekends, he “preaches” me all night. Finally I became sick which made me leave my part-time job. The consequence was that he stopped giving me necessary living expenses because I willingly quit my job. All living expenses are now provided by savings I made from my part-time job. He sometimes calls me from his work and I cannot go out as I can’t assume when he is going to call me. I get tense every day.

Although the counselor at the public women’s center nearby suggested me to leave my husband, I couldn’t make a decision as such because I can’t see my future after getting out of our house. At the same time, money I saved is now reaching the bottom and I am worried to become bankrupt soon. I feel like his slave.

My parents are now quite old and hoping for a grandchild. Thinking of this, I couldn’t go back to my parents’ home by getting divorced. How can I get out of this vicious circle? （thirties woman）

〈Reply〉

It seems that you are in a dilemma in which you can neither safely take one side (leave your husband) or the other side (stay home). To me you placed yourself into that situation. It must be hard to think of and get a good solution out of the situation.

First, let’s think of getting out of your house. According to your letter, you quit your work and can’t expect your own economical independence, right? You couldn’t ignore your parents’ expectation of seeing their grandchild? Honestly speaking, I read that your real intention is not this side.

Secondly, let’s think about staying home. Is it true that your living expenses come from your savings after having quit your work and he doesn’t provide any money? He is such a coldhearted man? You were not aware of this at all when you first met him? What I wonder is if you may provide money voluntarily (non-verbal level) as you feel anxious after leaving the job.

He, after all, “sits up” straight threateningly because he cannot accept the situation and still depends on you. I may be wrong. Regardless of how much you are afraid of him, you should talk with him about your difficulty. Seven years marriage is not too short to discuss the issues. It looks like you might make your decision in some vague way if you don’t take any action. You couldn’t make any decision under such circumstances and go through real decision making by yourself. Please try to talk with him.