MESSAGE FROM READER

I am a sophomore student in the music college and my mother separately lives in a local area.

MY mother sends me a lots of cellphone emails. When she doesn’t receive my response, she becomes hysteric and calls me so I respond to her unwillingly. Lately I become to feel annoying my mother to send me emails even under a situation of living apart.

My parents does not have a good relationship and mother sometimes says that she wants to live with me. I am anxious when and if mother might take an action as such. Mother seems to sacrifice herself to take me to my music lesson and look after my practicing home in order for me to enter the music school. This is as if she is compensating for a bad relationship with her husband. Father, on the other hand, loves me although he is cruel to his wife. Knowing this fact, mother sometimes becomes cold and indifferent in me.

Also mother gets involved in certain health foods that are sent to me a lot of it. She recommends it people around and lost her control becoming crazy when father try to stop her. At that time mother calls me grumbling about her husband. I am fed up hearing her complains and want to hang up her phone, saying “That is enough!” I have to be hearing until she gets settled down, however, because she has only me.

What can I do with such a mother? Please tell me how to deal with her from now on.
（Tokyo woman, 20th）


REPLY FROM COUNSELOR KYOMI KAWANO

Do you like to take some distance from your mother to get along smooth, don’t you? And ask me how to let her know what you feel without hurting each other? For this you must realize to speak to her verbally and clearly. If my concrete understanding is OK, I have 2 things for you to pay attention.

One thing, I like you to comprehend that there is no way not to hurt (becoming uncomfortable) each other. A radical change should attend upon some pain. Other thing is that your saying certainly causes uncomfortable feeling each other and/or destroying the relationship as a result.

This can’t be unavoidable. But the kinds of situation never continue forever as you have such a strong connection with your mother.

For example, you’d say such as “I am an adult enough and need some freedom”, “I am a different person, not as same as you”, “You must have some hobby and enjoy yourself more” or “It is hard for me to hear your complaints of my father” Please think of words by yourself and , most importantly, you should tell her them exactly trying not insinuatingly.

Don’t apologize immediately whatever you might feel afterwards and wait for a while being patient when mother responds being angry or scolds you. If you don’t do this, the relationship will not be changed. It may sound difficult for you to do but you should do this if you really want to change your relationship with your mother.